It’s OK if we disagree.

Yesterday, I talked about how this social media thing is a conversation.   I want you to know, dear reader… it’s OK to disagree with me.  I welcome education in all forms.  We all have something to learn and something to teach.  I certainly don’t have all the answers.  I’m just like you… I just happen to have this platform to share business-y type things.

Why bring this up?

A friend of mine posted a comment on a blog (not in our industry) and it was not approved by the author.  She is a very respectful professional.  In fact, she gives some of the most insightful comments on wedding and business blogs.  (Yes, I notice!)  But, she did disagree with this blog post.  Apparently the author didn’t want any contrary opinions to be shared with their readership.  It’s a shame, really.  This is all part of the conversation.  When you have a conversation there are points where two individuals may disagree.  It’s an opportunity for one side to learn from the other and vice versa.

Be respectful.

On the flip side, I’ve been witness to some blog posts that become very unbalanced in the comment arena.  The comments take on a life of their own where the writer is bashed for expressing his or her opinion.  This is disrespectful.  Comments should be insightful and helpful and should ADD to the conversation.  If you find yourself disagreeing with the point-of-view of a blog, be respectful in the opinion you share.  It’s easy to hide behind our screens and say things we’d never say to someone in real life.  But, on the other side of that internet is a human being with real emotions.  Be respectful.  Be kind.

What do you think about this?  Have any of these scenarios happened to you?

Image: Creative Commons License

Ever work with a condescending client?  You know… the person that intends to micromanage every step of your performance?  It creates for a miserable working situation!  This week, we are having a series of posts, written by Dina Eisenberg, Founder of Positively Wed, an educational resource for wedding professionals.  This week she addresses the concerns of how to avoid working with difficult clients, and how to make the difficult relationships more peaceful.

Ok, in my first post, we talked about how to set expectations so you can avoid having difficult clients.  So what if you have a bridezilla or two in your book already?  No worries, I got your back.  While we could spend hours on talking about mindset, perspective, generating options and other conflict management techniques, I’m gonna go straight to the toughest people problems for most of us- bullies.  Let’s chat about what makes a bully, and then how to deal with him or her.

My Way or the Highway

Bullies are made, not born in my opinion.  I can’t imagine a tiny infant saying, ‘my way or else’.  OK, I have kids so I can, but you know what I mean.  It’s our experiences and how we handle them that shape our behaviors.  Kids don’t want to act out in less than positive ways they just haven’t learned any better.  Guess what?  Same thing is true for bullies.

Bullies don’t know more than one or two ways to get what they want in the world.  They tend to be stuck in one style of conflict resolution: competing.  (There are five styles: competing, avoiding, accommodating, compromise and collaboration)   A  person who competes believes her needs, wants, opinions should take precedence over anyone else’s.  Everyone know someone like this; in fact, a competer might be sitting in your chair.

Bully brides (or grooms) will act in  insulting or intimidating  ways if that worked in the past to get their way.   While it’s natural to want to placate this kind of groom and promise him the world, you’ll do both of you a good service if you stand your ground and try some creative problem-solving.

This is the foundation of how I deal with most situations in work or ‘in real life’.  When dealing with difficult clients, the key is to get curious about what they need (not want), then discover ways to satisfy that need.

Be Generous- Give the Benefit of the Doubt

In my book, being a bad client is kinda like having lipstick on your teeth.  You might not  know  you’re one until someone tells you.  Consequently, I tend to assume my clients don’t know they are being difficult.  Sounds ridiculous, I know.  But you probably know  a bride who was so focused on her day she forgot about every thing else and pursued it with complete dedication.  I know I had a near obsession with a certain stainless steel sink when we renovated our kitchen.  It happens.  If your bride knew a more skillful way to get what she needed besides badgering you, she’d be using it.  Be patient up to a point.

Be Positive!

Happiness finally rates a research study!  Scientist are discovering that having a positive attitude goes a long way toward being happier and resolving disputes.   You can influence others toward finding a positive resolution just be thinking it can happen.  Since over 70% of communication is non-verbal, sending a positive vibe is cooler than you might think.  Don’t be pollyanna-ish.  Just quietly be assured that if everyone tries hard a solution is possible. (Note: the solution chosen may not be your favorite.  That’s ok.  It’s their life.)

Be Curious

The best problem-solvers are curious.  When a client demands something impossible, take a minute to wonder why.  Then, simply ask.

Let me give you an example.  When my hubby and I got hitched I really wanted candlelight at our venue which was a gorgeous Victorian mansion.  It meant a lot to me to create an intimate, cozy atmosphere for our guests.  My florist was smart enough to ask me what mattered most of all to me.  So, when the fire marshall said no candles in a historic building, she understood how to create  the feeling I wanted without real candles.

Sure, you may have to say no but ask enough questions to 1) separate a strong desire from an actual need and 2) define a variety of ways to meet the need and 3) explore what happens if the need can’t be met.   There are a lot of ways to skin a cat, as the saying goes.   Ask some of my favorite questions:

• When you say xxx, what does that mean to you?
• What does xxx look like for you?  (i.e. elegant. What would an elegant wedding look like to you?)
• What are the three most important things you need me to know right now?
• If I could wave a wand, what would be the solution?
• If that couldn’t happen, what would be next best?
• Specifically, why won’t xxx work for  you?

Use these questions with my blessings.  I’ve discovered millions of hidden meanings and opportunities with these beauties.

Dealing with a cranky bride or overzealous groom doesn’t have to ruin your day or theirs.  You can use these tools to redirect the conversation back to something productive.  And, if all else fails, be cheered.  You don’t have to live life as that bride.

About PositivelyWed.com-

Dina Eisenberg, Founder and former attorney & mediator, teaches wedding professionals like you to speak and act with grace, power and confidence so you can fall back in love with your wedding business!  Grab her free audio, Contracts That Work, at http://PositivelyWed.com

Here was the question from her reader:

Dear Wedding Pro,
I’ve been in business for a few years and have great relationships with other wedding vendors.  I consider myself to be pretty generous to other pros.  I like to share and help out when needed.  Recently, I’ve had a few wedding planners ask to borrow props or if I can just “whip up” something for an event or to help them with a design.  I’m feeling a little burned out and taken advantage of.  How can I say “no” without burning bridges?
Frustrated Florist

Read the rest of the post here…

Is it a match? ~ Creative Commons License

This week we’ve been discussing consults: how to create a consistent client experience and how to identify a difficult client.  The big question of the week is:

“How do I turn away a client that I don’t want to work with?”

There is no easy way to do this.  It’s like telling a date that dinner was really nice but you don’t want to see them again.  ARGH.  Painful.

You do need to find your own style.  But, I’m going to give you some help.  Here are my tips:

Don’t Lie

Don’t say you are booked.  Why did you take the consult appointment in the first place?  It also makes you look flakey.  And personally, I can smell a liar a thousand miles away.  Honesty is key to the integrity of your business.  Even if that client is not a match, you want to do this honestly.

Practice Makes Perfect

The first time is really hard.  And, you will likely be bad at turning away a client.  You will feel like a goof.  You will feel clumsy.  You will probably not look very good.  But, it does get easier.  And, learning how to do this is VITAL to the success of your business (and your sanity).

Did You Listen?

In the consult, you should have been able to identify key reasons as to why this bride or groom is not a match for your business.  You will need to know these reasons to help identify why it is not a match.

Allow Them To Turn You Down

Once you get good at identifying the “red flags” of a difficult client you’ll become skilled at “steering the consult”.  When a client comes in with demands that I know I cannot fulfill, I start asking questions, “So, tell me, is this what you are looking for?”  I fully know what the answer is going to be.  I explain to them my limitations and fears in being able to fulfill their needs.  They start to see where this is going.  We both come to the same conclusion: it’s not a match.  It’s amicable.  This is a mutual break-up.  If you listen to what they are saying, you can put it onto their court.  The decision becomes theirs to turn you down.

This Is Business

I know this is nutty, but one of the best lessons I learned about being in business was from the TV show “The Apprentice”.  Trump says, “Don’t take this personally.  This is business.”  This is a tough thing to swallow in an industry that is VERY personal.  But just knowing (in your head and your heart) that this is a business decision will make you feel stronger.  This doesn’t mean you have to be cruel to your client.  It just means that in your head you need to believe in your reason for doing this: It is a smart business decision.

Be Humble

Even if you are an “award-winning” wedding pro who can have their pick of clients… and, even if you have an artistic form that is unique and untouchable… do not be a diva (or a dick.)  I’ve heard a few stories of arrogant pros that basically tell the client, “That is beneath me.  I will not do that.  That is so boring (or ugly – or tacky.)”  You may feel that you cannot compromise your artistic integrity.  But, you don’t have to be mean about it.  This is the most important day of people’s lives.  Don’t spit on it.  Yes, I’ve had people ask me for invites with doves and interlocking hearts.  I won’t do them.  But, I wouldn’t dream of telling them that they are passé (or dare I say it, tacky.)  This is their dream day.  Don’t ruin it with arrogance.

A Match Is Not A Match

Ultimately, if it’s not a match, it’s not a match.  Trying to make it fit is not only doing you a disservice but also giving your client a bad experience.  If you were unable to “steer the consult” so that the client turns you down, you are going to have to do it.  If they want a proposal and you know it is not a match, you are going to have to let them know.  It’s a difficult conversation, but YOU CAN DO IT.  (It gets easier over time.)  You need to find a way that is comfortable for you.

For me, since it involves invitation design, I focus on the design element “You are a lovely couple and I would love to work with you.  But, I need to be honest.  I don’t think I’m going to be able to provide the service you want.  You want x and my expertise is y.  (Or, your deadline is x and my timeline is y.)  I think you will be much better suited with another designer.”

If you are providing a service, it is a little more challenging because you can’t pin it down on something tangible like “creative differences”.  Sometimes it is just a personality mismatch.  You have to remember that if you are planner, a wedding is your product.  Whether the client is a little coo-coo or their taste is different than yours, you are not going to be able to provide the wedding they want.  You need to let them know that.  They may be put off in the beginning.  But, by assuring them that you really just want them to have the best wedding and that you are not the one to give them that, they will be better in the end.

Help Them Find A Match

Depending on why I turn away business, I usually give people some recommendations.  I never want to send a bridezilla to another vendor.  But, usually it is a design mismatch or a personality mismatch.  If it is a bridezilla, I try to identify what about them is difficult.  There are some planners who work wonders on difficult people and can handle all types!  Knowing how to match people is part of your job.  You need to know when it’s a good match for you, and when it’s a good match for someone else.

You will “make good” by helping the client find a match.  By identifying key needs of theirs and helping them find someone to work with will reflect strongly on your business.  “You said that you wanted to have white doves flying overhead while 10 small children toss soft pink petals by your feet as you walk down the aisle to the song You are so Beautiful.  I know of a planner who is also an awesome designer.”

Helping them find a match is key to having a good reputation.  It will also personally make you feel better to have a solution for them.  Furthermore, they will remember your generosity.  I’ve had people refer their friends to me even though we were not a match.  Kindness and generosity go a long way – even with a bridezilla!

In Summary…

There is no easy way to do this.  You need to find your own style.  But, if you listen and learn what the client wants, you can determine whether it’s a match.  FOCUS on making a MATCH.  Whether that match is with you or with someone else, your job is to find a solution.

What do you think, wedding pros?  What are your tips for letting someone down?

Do’s:

• Greeting: Absolutely, always start an email with a greeting if this is the first message you’re sending to an individual. “Hello Brittany Bride”, “Dear Gavin Groom”, etc. This seems so obvious, but if you don’t include a greeting it might leave an impression that you haven’t taken the time to find out what their name is, or that they’re part of a mass email so it could make it feel impersonal if there is no greeting.  I always try to include a line or two asking how the other person is, how business is going, etc. – this helps the sender show that you are interested in building a relationship with them and helps to initiate a warm greeting.
• Closing: In the same regard, be sure to always sign off an email with “Thanks”, “Best Regards”, “Sincerely”, etc. – this is just a basic common courtesy that you want to make sure you convey at the end of every email.
• Subject Line: Keep your subject line short and concise and be sure it summarizes the topic of your email. The subject line often determines whether or not your email is even opened by the sender.  Typos, all caps or all lower case can give off the impression that you are a spammer so the recipient is less likely to open your email. 
• Level of Formality: Communicate as if your email is on your company letterhead – keeping in mind this is all about your business’ image you are branding.  When in doubt, be more formal in your communication than casual…and once you get to know the recipient you will get a feel for how formal/informal you need to be when communicating with them.
• Think Before You Send: Always read your email through one final time prior to hitting the send button – yes, to look for grammar and spelling errors, but more importantly to make sure that everything you’ve written is appropriate.  The way I like to think about it is, “Would I be ok if this email showed up in the newspaper tomorrow?” If not, then I should re-consider what I’ve written before sending.  After all, once you send that email you have no idea where your message could eventually be forwarded to, posted to a message board, etc.  Better to err on the side of caution, and avoid any negativity, gossip, foul language, etc. that could be conveyed via email.

Creative Commons License

Dont’s

• Uppercase/Lowercase – Don’t type your messages in all caps – this just conveys to the sender that you’re shouting at them.  All lower case should also be avoided as it’s typically seen as unprofessional and too casual when doing business.
• Multiple Punctuation Marks – Avoid using too many exclamation points or question marks as it could also make the sender feel like you’re shouting at them or possibly being rude.  Example – Do you understand???????? comes across a bit condescending, even if you didn’t intend it to be.  Or, I want to have Jenny’s wedding day timeline completed by Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! appears that you are anxious, demanding, or irritated.  Of course there are times I may use a bunch of !!! or ??? but it’s typically with people who know me – and know me very well…so they know if I’m really upset, or just being goofy.  Keep in mind most of your email recipients won’t know your personality or sense of humor, especially right off the bat.
• Don’t Jump to Conculsions – It is often really difficult to understand a point that someone is trying to make to you via email.  If you are unsure of what they’re talking about, it is always best to ask them to clarify in more detail for you…better yet, pick up the phone and call them so you can have a conversation, hear the tone in their voice, etc. I love email, but sometimes it is so hard to get a read on what the sender is saying without having a personal conversation about the topic where you can pick up on other cues like their emotional state, and have the ability to ask questions and get immediate responses.  So don’t read too much into an email that might initially confuse or annoy you. It’s likely that wasn’t the intent.
• Don’t Give Excuses – If you take a week to respond to someone’s email, don’t tell them that you’re really sorry for the delay, but you had a crazy week, your baby was sick, your website was down, you are backlogged on email, etc.  The fact is, most people don’t really care and don’t want to hear your excuses. They may empathize with you, but they are still probably bugged that you didn’t respond to them.  It may be true that you had the craziest week of your life, but they don’t need to know that – all they need to hear is that you apologize for the delay and assure them you will be extremely prompt in the future. You can explain to them this is typically not how you do business.  I used to apologize profusely for my delayed email responses, but then realized I needed to look within and realize why my emails were delayed…normally I wasn’t prioritizing them correctly (like we discussed yesterday) so I was responding to “easy” emails and putting off the “harder” ones to respond to, which led to a delayed response time. So if you are late in your response, I would highly recommend owning up to it!  People will respect that much more than they will any excuses.
• Don’t Worry – You will likely send an email with a typo, forget to greet someone, and say something you wish you hadn’t and hope it doesn’t get forwarded.  I know most of us in the wedding industry tend to be perfectionists, so I tell you this so you don’t beat yourself up! We all make mistakes and just look at lessons learned and what you want to do different going forward.

For more tips on email etiquette, visit www.netmanners.com and www.businessemailetiquette.com